Failure

I haven't written in some time now, haven't had much to say really. I guess I have something to say now. 

I am having a really hard time controlling my depression. I feel like a total failure. I feel old, like my time is up. I feel I have wasted my life. I feel I have let everyone around me down. I hide in my shell trying to avoid the problems I should be facing, avoiding life. I'm paralyzed with fear, fear of upsetting people, fear of emotions, fear of everything it would seem. I have let life pass me by.

I should have been so much more by now. More of a man. More of a father. More of a husband. More of a friend. More of a human.

It takes all of what little motivation I have left just to get out of bed in the morning. I have no interest in life, every day is just a drudgery, just performing the minimum motions required to get through the day. I don't have the energy left to keep this up. And why should I even want to continue if this is all there will be? 

What if this is as good as it gets? That every day from here out will be worse than today.