Acceptance

I sometimes wonder if I don't mistake my need to be accepted by others for empathy. What if my need to help others, because think I feel their pain, is really just my need to be accepted?

I have written in a previous post about my need to provide sanctuary to those in need, that it makes me happy to help others. But the more that I think about it, I think it might be my need to be accepted, to be liked, not empathy. Do I really care about others? Or do I only care about myself, and my needs? I want to find out.

I do have the need to be accepted, to be liked, to blend in. Some have described it as the 'chameleon' effect. I hold my feelings in because I don't want to upset others, I fear they will not accept me, not like me if I am confrontational or assertive. I have been told I let others walk all over me. This is true, but I feel it is better to do that than deal with not being accepted. Could it be that the cause of my depression is not due to keeping my empathy inside, but instead from keeping my feelings buried so I can feel accepted by others?

Does it really matter if people don't like me? Does it matter if people don't accept me for who I am? Probably not, but still, I can't help feeling it does. I know deep down that for the most part people have more respect for someone that is able to tell them exactly how they feel, someone who is assertive. But I just can't get to the point of acting on that knowledge. I still feel that I must do what others want in order for me to be accepted. I feel the need to do what people think I should do. I feel the need to be liked. I feel the need to be that chameleon.

Does it really matter if what I have is the need to be accepted, or real empathy?  Could I have a need for acceptance and still have empathy? Am I just getting two separate needs of mine mixed up with each other? I don't know, and I'm not sure how to find out at this point. You would think that after 48 years inside my head I would have had all this shit figured out by now.