Who Am I?

I have been told that I need to find myself again. That I have to remember who I am. That I have been dropping pieces of myself, pieces that are killing me. I have been told I must take a look under the mask.

But just who am I? And how do I find myself? Do I even want to find myself? I am afraid to take a good look at myself and try and figure just who I actually am. I'm not sure I even understand these questions.

Where do I start? I'm really not sure.

I have written a lot about my life and how I feel about things. Written about my issues with motivation, empathy, acceptance, feelings of abandonment, and the need to be liked. Have I already answered these questions, but I just can't see the answers? Or am I just too afraid to look at the answers that are already there?

I don't know what to say that I haven't already said. This is really bugging me now, and I'm sitting here drawing a blank, trying to find words. I have been able to get things out in my other posts, the words just seemed to flow, but not now.

Who am I?

Am I buried too deep in this maze I have constructed of cages, masks, beasts, and buried feelings? Will I be able to dig my way out? Do I even care? Or is this again just something that is expected of me? What if this is the real me? The feelings of no self esteem, of not being adequate, the need to me liked, of not being motivated. I am so confused. I don't know who I am.

What am I?

I am just a man that always tries to please the people around me. A man with an overpowering need to be accepted and liked by others. A man that has lost himself trying to be what others think I should be. A man that tries to distance himself from others so as not to feel the emotions of pain and hurt. I am told this is what causes my depression. I this really true? Or is the depression caused by me feeling bad about the way that I already am? Maybe this is what I am, and I just need to accept it.

"The emphasis shouldn't be on discovering who you are (what is buried beneath) but on facilitating the emergence of what you'd like to experience."  -  Who Am I, Psychology Today

Is this a better question than 'Who am I'? That the important thing is asking myself what I would like to experience, not who I am? This sounds like something easier to answer.

So, what do I want to experience? I want to experience a life without the need to please everyone. A life without feeling I am being judged for everything I say or do. A life of feeling adequate, of feeling that I am on equal footing with everyone around me. A life without fear of doing what I want regardless of what others might think of me. I want to experience a life of acceptance for being myself, not what I feel others think I should be.

I want a life where I can be assertive enough, to tell people exactly what I think and what I want to do. I want a life without fear.

How do I get there from here?  I don't have the slightest clue. I'm still looking for that road map.

So, who am I? I guess I'm still just a scared little boy who is afraid to experience life. One still afraid of the boogie man that might be hiding under my bed.