Another Beast

The beast I wrote of before is not alone, there is another. This one I did not need to keep in a cage, no need to keep it locked up, I just had to hide it away from others, and myself.

This too is a mighty beast.

This beast is empathy. It can be just as powerful as my other beast, just more passive.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been able to project the feelings and motivations of others on myself. Most times this does not cause problems. It was helpful as it let me understand the feelings of others, and listen without judgment.  But on occasion it can cause major issues. I have been a "yes" man, I am unable to tell people no, I don't want to hurt their feelings. I have problems picking sides in an argument, I usually see both sides. I repress my own feelings as not to upset others. But I know this needs to change. I have to be able to express myself, and still be sensitive to the feelings of others. It will be quite a balancing act for me.

When I was younger I had the need to provide others with a sanctuary, a place where people could go to get away from the problems of everyday life, or at least a place where they could go to talk about their problems without judgment. I don't know how many 'strays' I have adopted, usually women who associated their self worth with sex. I would try and show them there was more to themselves. To give them a place where they could be themselves for a while, without pressure. A place where they knew their self worth was not between their legs.

It seems as the years passed I buried this need to help others. This need to try and help them feel better about themselves, to provide sanctuary. When did I start hiding this beast? Where did it go? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know it is still there, just hiding under the surface. I have been told I need to let it out, that it is as much a part of me as any other appendage is. I must exercise this beast. To keep it repressed will kill me as sure as a cancer would.

Where do I go from here? Well, I'm not sure. With everything that is going on I don't know if I have the strength, or motivation left to let this beast out.

But I know I have to help others, to provide sanctuary. It's who I am.