Motivation

There seemed to be a time when I was motivated, when I had interest in things. I had lots of hobbies and  wanted to experience life, not so much anymore. I come home from work in the afternoon and don't know what to do, I just stand there for a moment, then end up either taking a nap, sitting in the chair watching TV, or getting on the computer. I don't know where my motivation went, where my interest in life went.

For as long as I could remember I have had a love, a need, to draw. I can remember getting in trouble for it as long ago as the first grade when I would draw on my assignments instead of actually doing the work. I took art all through school. I painted our "go to hell flag" in boot camp, which was nice as it got me out of working in the scullery. After boot camp I would do drawings for people in my squadron, and even signed up for the Art Institute, you know, the one where you had to draw the pirate on the match book covers, then send it in so they could tell you how talented you were just to get your money. After the Navy I continued to take some art classes at the local college, and drew for other people. When I worked at Rockwell I used to do ink  murals on the bathroom stalls. I just always had the need to draw. Eventually I ended up at Watterson College for commercial art, where I met my wife. I really loved that time in my life, I had met the love of my life, and most of my daily activities were centered around art. For a while I sold sketches on ebay. The job I have now allows me the opportunity to do technical drawings and other graphics.

In addition to my interest in art, I have had many other hobbies over the years, tabletop and video gaming, remote control cars and boats, painting miniatures, photography, reading, just to name a few. But that is all gone now, I have no motivation or interest to do any of those hobbies anymore. I did try and get back into sketching a few months ago. Dani even went out and bought me pencils, paper and markers. I did a couple of drawings and that was about it. I still have cabinets full of games, tons of unpainted miniatures, RC tanks, books, and other stuff. Just no interest in doing anything with any of them.

But my lack of motivation extends past my hobbies, it effects my everyday life in many other ways. I don't feel like doing much of anything really. Everything seems like such a chore now, even the basic family activities I should be taking great joy in doing. I'm not sure what happened, or exactly when I lost my motivation. Is this all part of life? Just something that happens to some of us as we get older? I don't know the answer to that. Could it be that my brain is just overloaded? That all my effort is spent trying to control my mind? I doubt it, because when I was younger I seemed to do the most when I was depressed. My art was a release, where I could spend hours just concentrating on what I was doing and not worry about my problems. What has changed since that time? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier to get rid of everything, my art supplies, my games, my books, my other toys. They are just taking up space. But part of me can't part with my stuff, you never know, I might find my motivation again. But luckily I don't have to worry about getting rid of anything, I don't have the motivation.

I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I can't seem to focus, to concentrate on a task like I used to be able to do. I have lost the ability to clear my head, I keep thinking about my problems. I don't seem to have the patience that I once had, I get bored after a few minutes. I remember my dad telling me when I was young that boredom was just a sign of laziness. Could that be it? That I am just lazy now? That my lack of motivation is nothing more than me being lazy? Or is it that I can't get out of my head long enough to accomplish anything, and have just given up on trying?  I do know.

I would like to get back into my hobbies, to take joy in my family activities again. I just don't know how to get to that place anymore. I feel lost, like I left the path but didn't even realize it until it was too late.