I'm Pissed

I'm pissed. At who? Myself. I am not willing to stand up for myself. When something bothers me I don't do anything about it. I don't express my feelings. I keep that which bothers me inside and let it stew. I shut down until my feelings subside. Those feelings are still there, just buried, piling up as time goes on.

I have been told that I need to be more assertive, that I shouldn't let others walk on me. That is easier said than done. To be assertive you must feel it. You must have the confidence it takes to stand up for yourself. Something I don't have. I would rather let others just push me around.

I have been this way for as long as I can remember. People say that I'm 'easy going'. That's not it, I'm just too afraid to rock the boat. Too afraid to tell others when something bothers me. Why am I this way? I have no idea, it's just who I am. There are times I just want to scream out, to shout at people and tell them the way I feel, to give them my opinion. But I can't seem to do it, and it's so frustrating. Is my fear of upsetting others so great that I can't even risk expressing myself? Or am I just a coward that is afraid of confrontation? I have a feeling I am just a coward.

I wish I could be more assertive. I know I would feel feel better about myself, it make me feel more confident. I envy those who have no problem being assertive, those who are willing to do what they want without fear of what others will think. Those who will stand up for what they believe in regardless of the cost. Those with courage.

Every time I bury a feeling, don't express how I feel, I know that I am burying part of myself. I have guilt, but that guilt is not based on what I do, but instead it is based on what I do not do. I don't stand up for what I believe in. I don't stand up for those things in life that I would really like to do. I don't stand up for those that I love like I should. I'm afraid. I have no courage.

I think maybe this is the way I am hard wired, that there is nothing I can do about it, that I should just accept the fact that I am not assertive. Maybe I need to find a way to be happy with the way I am and try not to worry about it. Just let people have their way with me and accept it. Either that or I need to stop being a coward and find the courage, the strength to assert myself.