Getting My Ass Kicked

I'm setting here with my head spinning with thoughts. Thoughts of What? Anything and everything. I am in a fog, enveloped with sadness. And I can't figure it out. Is it just some chemical imbalance?  Just the way I'm wired? Or is it some long lost issue I have never come to terms with? I don't know. All I know is that it is kicking my ass.

I find myself unable to concentrate, to focus. I just wander around in my head looking for something, searching. I don't know if what I am looking for is there, or even what it is that I am looking for. Will I recognize it if I do find it? I just want it to stop. I want to reach into my head and tear it out, whatever 'it' is.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to sleep so I don't have to deal with my brain. But even sleep doesn't always help, I just wake up with more thoughts going through my head.

There are times when I wish these beasts were never released. It seemed so much easier to go through life numb, without emotion. All I had to deal with was the guilt associated with not being emotionally there for the ones I loved. Selfish, I know. At least I wasn't getting my ass kicked by my thoughts, by my emotions.

All I had to do was let people believe I was just "easy going". Not let them know what I was really feeling.That I had opinions that differed from theirs. I didn't have to worry about being assertive, they saw me as the easy going person that didn't mind just going with the flow.

I feel like giving up and just going back to the way I was. But as long as there is part of me that needs to be happy I guess I will keep on trudging along.

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.