What do I say about this? We all want to feel appreciated, to know that we make a difference on other peoples lives. We want to feel we have a purpose.
I have the problem of not feeling like I really matter to anyone, like I would never be missed if I was gone. I feel like the invisible man. I realize this is in my head, and not the truth, but still I can't help feeling this way. Maybe it ties in with the abandonment issue, that I feel people can just walk away from me without giving it a second thought, with me soon forgotten. That I was just some amusement for people to pass away the time when they were bored, or waiting for something better to come along.
Why do I think like this? That I don't matter to anyone? I wish I knew. Maybe it's just my way of distancing myself from others to save my own emotions. Maybe I feel like I am saving the emotions of others by not getting too close. Either way I don't feel appreciated, or that I matter much to others.
I have never been able to take praise very well, I always feel like it's just others trying to humor me, or saying what is expected of them. I'm sure there has been times when people have had genuine praise for me, that they have appreciated something I have done. I just tend not to believe it. I usually feel the same when people express concern for me or my well being, I tend not to believe them. I feel they are just doing what they have been taught to, what is socially required. That, or they are just trying to make themselves feel better.
I remember once not to long after I had moved to California from Arkansas, I believe I was still nine. I had this book of riddles that I liked to read. My mom and dad would have me read the riddles to guests. Everyone would have a big laugh. I thought I was doing pretty good telling those riddles, until I heard my dad say that the riddles were stupid and everyone one was laughing at me, and that silly Hillbilly accent of mine. I still feel like that boy, never getting why people are really laughing, and at what.
Deep down I know the reason I don't feel appreciated is nothing more than me not appreciating myself.
Dang, I would trade places with you if only to make there people laugh never mind if they laugh bec of me more than my jokes...even better! LolZ.
ReplyDeleteIt'll make me feel unique. Imagine, I'm even better than the jokes! That's the ultimate acceptance. Well, for me that is. :)
see this is very typical of me, hitting the 'Post' button before editing:
ReplyDeleteI meant to delete "there" in the first sentence.
And further I meant to ask, which do we want more: appreciation or acceptance?
Good question. I think they are both tied together. We feel appreciated when people accept us.
ReplyDeleteThey were laughing at the way I spoke, I had a real strong accent.