I think I have had abandonment issues for a long time, I have just buried the fact.
My dad, who I never met, chose money over my mom. I never gave it much thought, but deep down I think it has always bothered me. Have I not accepted the fact that I was abandoned by him? I have an entire family out there that I have never met, and with the exception of my dad, I have no idea if any of them even know I exist.
My grandparents who raised me until I was nine then handed me over to my mom. I have so much love for my grandparents, and still miss them terribly. But do I still have unresolved issues with them? They didn't fight when my mom wanted to take me to live with her. They would later tell me it was to keep peace in the family. Have I mistaken what they did for abandonment?
I felt this way when Rick, the last friend I really bonded with, got married. I felt like I had lost him. I felt I was being abandoned again. I remember going into the bathroom after his wedding ceremony and just crying. I was happy for him, yet so sad at the same time.
And now this.
I thought I had built an impenetrable wall that no one could breach. But I was wrong. I left a door open in that wall and didn't realize it until someone had already walked through and got inside. And now I don't know how to get them out. All I know is that I am in pain, a pain I haven't felt for a very long time. I thought I had found a friend, someone who understood me, but I don't know now. They are gone, I feel abandoned again. How do I deal with this so I can get on with life?
Is the fear of abandonment the real reason I have never been good at bonding with people? Do I fear the pain so much that I don't let myself get close to people? I think what I feel right now is just a remember of why I put up the wall in the first place.
I just want it all to go away so I can recede behind my wall again, and bolt the door shut. At this point I would rather feel nothing, numbness, than the pain I am feeling.
Why would there be a need to get them out?
ReplyDeleteThey are there not for you and to make you feel not abandoned, your friends are there bec they, too, have the need for validation. If you feel like they are drifting off or vanishing, maybe it'll help to think that your 'mission' for them (or the reason you all have struck up a connection) has been fulfilled...for the meantime. True friends always find a way to see each and catch up with things and make up for the lost time and pick up where they've left, like they've never been separated at all.
I throw up a wall so people don't get too close, even my friends, so I don't feel so bad when they go away. But I let my guard down, and now i am feeling it.
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